The Paper opens the mail — against its better judgment

EDITOR’S NOTE: The Publisher has started an ambitious, albeit doomed, scientific diet whereby he attempts the radical act of eating like a sensible adult: no sugar ambushes, no processed-food shenanigans, and no pretending a protein bar is a food group. For 30 days, with the assistance of AI, he’s tracking meals, moods, and cravings. Then he’ll report whether discipline improves anything.

He is not himself. He’s cranky and judgmental. We are not letting him near a keyboard. We predict that by Tuesday he’ll have tossed in the towel and be in line at KFC for a bucket with all the trimmings.

In lieu of his weekly column, we take this opportunity to share a roster of letters from readers of recent editions The Paper may have received.

Sirs and Ladies:

I object to The Paper’s Weekly Question because nobody has asked me yet, and I have answers loaded and ready.

Ingles or Buc-ee’s? Barbeque or fish sticks? Tastes Great or Less Filling?

Please dispatch a reporter immediately. I am available on the porch unless I am at HorsePower Park Dirt Track, eating Cheetos and drinking a Tall Boy.

Respectfully quotable,

Myrtle “Man on the Street” Brittain

Drexel

Dear Whichever:

I understand Morganton lost two barbecue restaurants and gained one in the span of three days, which tells me the Lord is testing us.

A town can survive hurricanes, flood, fire, pestilence, property revaluation, and one more boutique selling candles named after emotions. But when barbecue starts moving around like a shell game at the county fair, decent people begin to lose their footing.

I request The Paper publish a weekly BBQ Dow Jones Industrial Average so citizens may know whether to panic, pray, or order extra hushpuppies.

Respectfully sauced,

Burl Hennessee, a.k.a. “Smoker Joe”

Morganton

Dear all the editors at The Paper:

I appreciate Mr. VanNoppen’s recent medical reporting on the male particulars, though I do not believe such matters should be discussed in mixed company, unmixed company, medical company, church company, or while the nurse is still in the room holding that whatchacallit that goes way up there where it shouldn’t.

The problem with getting older is not the prostate. The problem is that every doctor now wants to discuss waterworks, flow patterns, glandular pressure, and “normal aging” like I am a municipal sewer project in khaki pants.

Please return local journalism to safer subjects, such as taxes, potholes, murder, parking regulations, scooters on the sidewalk, and voter fraud.

Respectfully examined and otherwise hollowed out,

Waymon James

Valdese

To the Editor or Editors of The Paper:

I read that Glen Alpine is developing a five-year strategic plan to attract business, strengthen downtown, and identify opportunities.

That is fine, but I can save everybody some time. The plan should be: coffee, sandwich, hardware, pie, bait, barbeque, haircut, and one mysterious store that sells antique lamps, hair wigs, and baby ducks.

Respectfully planned,

Rufus Benfield

Chairman, downtown

planner club

Glen Alpine

Sirs:

I have studied Morganton’s new scooter ordinance and wish to report that I am against it, for it interferes directly with my constitutional right to almost be run over by a teenager on a sidewalk while carrying a sack of biscuits.

The city says scooters, e-bikes, hoverboards, skateboards and other personal conveyer contraptions must be pushed or carried downtown. Well, what is the point of owning a machine if you have to walk beside it like it’s a stubborn calf?

Furthermore, I object to the 15 mph speed limit. Fifteen miles per hour is neither fast enough to be exciting nor slow enough to be dignified. It is the exact speed of a man late for church but pretending he is not.

Otherwise, my teenage son and all his hoodlum buddies thank the City for pointing out where the great spots to scooter are: Namely the west-side sidewalk of Sterling Street in the heart of downtown Morganton. It is apparently pitch perfect for long, fast runs guaranteed to knock someone out of their shoes.

Yours,

Sammy Duckworth

Morganton

To: Publishers, Board of Directors, Editors, and Investors:

By way of introduction, I am Joseph P. Swain, President of the National Industrial Observers Union (NIOU), and I, on behalf of our 436,822 members across our great country, write to thank you for recognizing the work, dedication, and commitment of Industrial Observership.

For more than 70 years, the National Industrial Observers Union has represented hardworking men whose central responsibility is making absolutely certain that whenever one employee is performing a task, no fewer than four other qualified people are available to watch him do it.

Your excellent article failed to point out that IO is not restricted to municipalities. IO behavior is everywhere there are men. It’s a male thing. They excel at IO because men excel at looking around.

You’ll never see a bunch of women just standing around looking and doing nothing.

As a note of additional clarification, your respectful article failed to mention our Advanced Degree Program, including coursework in Backhoe Proximity Management.

Otherwise, NIOU members, men all of them, across this great nation will continue doing what they have always done. Watching. Assessing. Pointing. Nodding. Discussing lunch. And ensuring that no American hole ever goes unobserved.

Joseph P. Swain

President

National Industrial

Observers Union

“We Stand Together. Mostly Looking at Something.”