Christmas memories and hopes for the New Year

EDITOR’S NOTE: The following column by retired Paper columnist Ken Corn was originally published on Saturday, Dec. 23, 2023.

The week between Christmas Day and New Year’s Eve is for many a time of reflection and anticipation. Over the years, my reflections have included trivial nontraditional secular events which transpired during the holiday season to render it memorable. They run the gamut.

Many years ago, our Basset hound puppy enjoyed a fine Christmas Eve dinner in her personal dining room which happened to be the closet belonging to my father-in-law. Her entree consisted of a couple of loafers from two different pairs of shoes; his favorite pairs crafted by leather architects in Switzerland.

In the late 1990s we boarded The Polar Express, a magical excursion offered each Christmas season by The Great Smoky Mountain Railroad. The train operated between Dillsboro and Bryson City and featured a visit from Santa Claus in the passenger cars as we rumbled along the tracks.

The faces of young children were glued to the window as we rolled into the Bryson City depot. The color drained from their puzzled faces as they watched Santa leap from the train, race across the parking lot, throw open the door to a massive yellow Cadillac DeVille, and fire up a Marlboro.

Smoke roiling from the window, tires spinning, and gravel flying, Santa and his sleigh disappeared in a cloud of dust.

Christmas 2022 featured The Great Freeze. Having subdued the smoke alarm, we enjoyed a breakfast burnt offering prepared by our sons on Christmas Day. The relaxing sound of what seemed like Linville Falls served to enhance the ambience as we enjoyed our coffee.

Fully aware that our home contains no water features, I conducted a head count to determine if any household members might be in the shower. We soon discovered the basement floor receiving a fresh rinse courtesy of a broken pipe.

The Christmas experience spilled over to the next day as I joined legions of other would-be plumbers on the pipe and glue aisle at Lowes.

What made Christmas 2023 memorable? Nothing less than the storied “real” Christmas tree.

It has become our tradition to acquire a real Christmas tree over Thanksgiving weekend. A history of waging war with trees and tree stands creates a sense of trepidation when we embark on this expedition.

The 2023 edition was surprisingly easy. The perfect tree was spotted immediately, wrapped in twine, nestled into the tree stand, and placed in the living room in record time.

Height and girth were within acceptable tolerances. It stood straight as an arrow. No need to craft guy wires and anchors from unwaxed dental floss and nails in the wall.

Fully enveloped in lights and ornaments, this freshest of fresh trees spent the next two weeks consuming gallons of water, emitting a lovely pine fragrance, and dripping sap onto the wrapped gifts arrayed at the base of our needled evergreen.

Around mid-December a few uninvited guests arrived in our home. Known by their family name Conifer Aphid, these guests ride in on the branches of Christmas trees.

According to experts at N.C, State University, warmer temperatures indoors cause aphids to become active and start to reproduce by producing live young.

Probably has something to do with the fact that the tradition of decorating Christmas trees started more than 2,000 years ago when pagans worshiped evergreen trees as a symbol of fertility.

As the tree dries out, the aphids tire of their treehouse birthing center. They crawl from the tree, traverse the lovingly gift-wrapped items under the tree, and begin cross country family vacations to distant exotic locations within the residence.

They are a nuisance but harmless. Their road trips typically only last about two weeks. Owing to my years as a highly trained professional pest eradication specialist, there is a zero-tolerance policy for such vermin in my living quarters.

Traditional means of chemical warfare are not practical for decorated Christmas trees covered in electrical wiring and keepsake ornaments. Enter the newest tool in our arsenal, the Shark cordless vacuum cleaner.

So it was that after 10 days of blending harmonious melodies from the Shark with Mannheim Steamroller and Andrea Bocelli Christmas albums, the field of battle grew quiet.

Elmer Fudd declared victory. Note to self. Artificial trees will be marked down in January.

January, an eagerly anticipated time for new beginnings such as healthier eating habits. How appropriate that on Jan. 3 we will celebrate one of my favorite superfoods with National Chocolate Covered Cherry Day.

A day to recognize the holiday dietary staple which was invented in the 1700s. Santa introduced me to this sweet treat in 1967, no doubt keenly aware of my burgeoning interest in the health benefits of antioxidants.

That year a box was placed under the tree next to my new size 12 Husky pants. The mighty cherry. According to the objective and totally unbiased Cherry Marketing Institute, cherries help relieve gout, improve the quality of sleep, boost energy levels, aid in exercise recovery, and contribute significantly to the recommended daily dose of fiber.

Though medical evidence is inconclusive, deductive reasoning leads me to conclude cherries may also counteract the deleterious effects of fried livermush.

No word yet from the National Confectioners Association on their research into the health benefits of cherries encased in chocolate and swimming in sugar syrup.

With gratitude for the year that was, and excitement for the year to come, I wish you a happy and healthy 2024. For you potassium lovers, National Banana Cream Pie Day is just around the corner on March 2.