Burke's answer to tariff war? Lake James become Lake Canada

I’ve never met a Canadian I didn’t like.

I’ve been to Canada. I’ve socialized with Canadians visiting the states. I’ve conducted responsible commerce with the fine folks from Canada.

They are fabulous people. Great neighbors. They (for the most part) love America and speak English, which is helpful to me since I can’t speak jack.

And God knows, if there ever was a Canadian gift to America, it is Curling.

Canada has gorgeous forests filled with wood that burns beautifully when so prompted. They recently suffered widespread wildfires in those beautiful woods.

Canadian officials blamed climate change. President Trump blamed Canada’s “willful negligence” and poor forest and brush maintenance.

Forest fires create smoke. Smoke drifts in the wind, wherever it blows.

The prevailing winds blew the wildfire smoke south into the USA. Trump threatened new tariffs over it. Meanwhile, the United States and Canada were already beating each other senseless with tariffs.

The Smoke Tariffs weren’t little. They were 50-percent tariffs. On important stuff, like cheese curds, fishing rods, Pigeon leg bands, hockey sticks, and girls’ skirts.

Really?

And Canada says, What a crock. We’ll tariff you because you tariffed us.

And we said, Oh yeah? Well, we’re gonna CHANGE THE NAME OF A LAKE.

That’ll teach you to let smoke drift our way..

Next thing you know, Lake Ontario has been renamed by Presidential Executive Order 14422 on American maps to … LAKE AMERICA!

So there. Take that, you tree-burning, smoke-creating people north of the border.

You have to learn how to control your wildfire smoke. Learn some thermodynamics, hydrodynamics, and meteorological physics.

I hereby recommend that we sensible people display our sensibility by responding sensibly with respect and friendship toward our heretofore tolerant neighbors.

With local relevance.

Let’s rename Lake James to Lake Canada.

I ran this brilliant idea past the North Carolina Department of Lake Names. Jim Calhoon is the director.

“This concept is smart on three levels,” Calhoon said from his badass Valhalla V-55 fishing boat on Lake Mattamuskeet. “First, you’re right. Canada is our pal. Second, you’re right. Canadians are sensational neighbors. Never complain. Until recently, and for good reason. And third, you’re right. Let’s show some respect.”

“So you’re saying I’m right?” I said.

“Damn right you’re right,” he said. “It’s great on three levels. Wait a minute …”

Suddenly there’s a lot of “Reel ‘er in” shouts. And, “Where’s the net?” And, “Hell, that damn thing is prehistoric.”

Calhoon rejoins the interview and says, “Sorry about that. Caught something big there. To regroup: You proposed to change the name of Lake James, arguably Burke County’s greatest amenity besides Lakeside Park and Bud’s Korner Kitchen, to —”

“Yes,” I said.

“— to change the name from the guy that brought electrical hydrodams to the Carolinas, this Duke fella?”

“Yes,” I said. “James Duke. But that was a century ago. Let’s rename it after our friends and neighbors to the North.”

There was another pause. Suddenly Calhoon was heard shouting, “Damn, Jim. Thing’s got some TEETH! Throw it back. Like now!”

I heard a gigantic splash.

Calhoun said, “OK. I’ll bring it before our Board. Don’t see a problem. Especially if you get an okay from the Lake James, er, Lake Canada, nonprofit. Suggest you give Jamison a call.”

Jamison was chief of the Lake James Preservation Society. I called him. Explained the deal. He listened. Understood.

“To get it straight,” Jamison said. “We’re changing the name of Lake James to Lake Canada to show our support for our friends and neighbors to the north.”

“Exactly,” I said.

“Love it,” he said. “Nothing but a revenue generator.”

“Just like that?” I said. “Not even gonna think about it?”

“What’s there to think about?” he said. “Name change on a state park? Big bucks in marketing value. All the sign changes. Map reprints. PR galore all about Good Intentions. Good Neighbors! We’re in.”

I thought about that. I said, “Don’t you need to bring it before your Board?”

“Board don’t know a Catawba Catfish from a Lakebottom Bluegill,” he said. “Their job is to approve the motion and check “YES” when told. Like now.”

“You’ll take care of the marketing?” I said.

“Done,” Jamison said.

“Who’s gonna tell Trump?” I said.

“That’d be you, bigman,” he said.

“Who’s gonna tell Canada?” I said.

“That’d be me,” he said. “Along with a donation card.”