I don't have the answers, but I can listen

My signature tag on my emails confuses some people.

If you get an email from me, beneath my sign-off (“peace”), and name, you’ll find my pronouns. I identify as “he, him, his.”

Some are perplexed by this.

I’m not trying to confuse people. Nor do I mean to set them straight in case they think I’m a woman instead of a man. I’m not speaking from a position of gender pride. I’m neither confused about my gender, nor am I defensive about it, nor do I want to be defined solely by it.

But I want every person to know I am approachable about gender issues. The listing of pronouns in some circles — especially among those who are what may be called “questioning” — clearly signifies this openness. I stand with my non-binary friends and their families. As one who cares deeply about individuals and their families, being approachable about this topic is essential.

In a culture that often maligns “the other,” I want people to know that I don’t stand with that crowd. In our brittle, volatile, don’t ask, don’t tell world where people feel targeted and unsafe if they are “different” than the norm gender-wise, I want to offer sanctuary. I want my community to see a door not a wall, a sanctuary not a lions’ den.

When I was in college, I was not aware of degree programs called gender studies. Even women’s studies, which became ubiquitous in decades after my graduation, were not offered when I was in college. Identifying your pronouns back then wasn’t a thing I’d ever heard about. It was my work in race relations as a pastor many years later when I began formally to explore how the dynamics of race, gender, nationality, sexual orientation, and other identifiers subtly and not so subtly affect family systems and wider society.

I’m no expert (and I can prove it).

But I can offer a safe place to discuss such things.

I can listen.

And I want to.

Your grandson is thinking about transitioning, and you want to talk about it, but you don’t know where to begin? You are livid that your insurance rates might increase because your company covers somebody’s gender affirming care? Does using pronouns contrary to your “biological truth” constitute a lie? You want to support your gender-questioning daughter, but you don’t know how? Want to discuss gender-variance, gender-spectrum, gender-expansive, and other terms that might not have existed when you were born? Interested in unpacking the toxic politics that often pollute gender discussions? You feel confused about all this trans and non-binary talk, and you hardly have a clue about what the letters and plus-sign mean in the abbreviation LBGTQIA+?

Let’s talk.

Do I have sage advice for you? Probably not.

Do I understand this topic well? I do not.

Do I know how you feel? No way.

But can I extend hospitality? I can try.

That’s what I want to convey by what some might say is the innocuous posting of my pronouns under my email signature. I am attempting to be a good neighbor. I want people who might not otherwise feel safe to feel safe. I’m willing to sip a cup of tea and listen to you, learn with you, wonder with you.

I’m willing to ask stupid questions and wonder about next steps. Have you told your family who might love you most but be most confused? Have you told your queer son that you love him no matter what? Do you have a mental health therapist, a group, an outlet? Do you feel alone? Do you have friends to talk to? Is your doctor approachable? From where are you getting medical and psychological information, and is that information trustworthy? Do you have a religious family for support, and does your faith tradition speak to your situation? To whom do you confide? Since we can’t make it through this life alone, who is in your corner?

I won’t offer expertise, but welcome.

Not apologetics or politics but a space to breathe.

One moment of peace.