'Minivans for Dads': Membership has its privileges

Another beautiful day dawns in Burke County, also known as Nature’s Playground.

Meathead and Black Dog happily hang their heads out the back seat windows as we depart for their daily canine enrichment activity.

Approaching the intersection of our road and N.C. 126 I hear it. A loud buzzing sound.

Bees? Cicadas? New World Screwworms? Tinnitus in my aging auditory canal? Broken speaker in the car?

Around the curve they come. A stream of Porsches. Powerful engines redlined in second gear. Speed limit obliterated before shifting into third gear. This group likely has a novel name like “Bet You Wish You Owned A Porsche Club.”

For members, a shared passion for working stiff fun. For non-members like me, envy. The scenic drive around Lake James has become a magnet for car clubs and other motoring enthusiasts. Their Petro-tourism dollars filling our coffers.

We humans have an intense need to belong; an innate desire for connection which is directly linked to our health and wellbeing.

Neanderthals introduced the idea when they decided to survive by banding together for hunting, gathering, and protection. In a sense we continue to evolve.

It is no longer necessary to join Uncle Jed & Jethro for a coon hunt. Instead, we join fellow carnivores undertaking a day’s journey to the meat counter at Ingles Granite Falls, the longer trip necessitated by the fall of Ingles Morganton.

Family groups pick nutritious blueberries at Perrys Berrys instead of hiking a harrowing trail into Linville Gorge. We no longer fear marauding bands of Marionites invading from the west, though residents of some exclusive villages feel it necessary to label themselves gated communities.

Studies have shown that we crave connection in the same region of the brain that we crave food. Just look at the sense of camaraderie among the diners in the Abeles’ buffet line.

We experience social exclusion in the same part of the brain that we experience physical pain. My knee ached for weeks after being rejected for membership in Let’s Talk Burke County.

Our lives revolve around belonging to something, and it starts in childhood.

Lacking skill but eager to join a Little League baseball team, I hauled my bespectacled size 12 Husky self to tryouts on a hot May evening in 1970.

Second to last player selected in the draft. A proud moment until I noticed that the last player selected was wearing a cast on his throwing arm. The healing salve a mother’s reassurance that rejection builds character.

Sports teams never fulfilled my need to belong.

Things improved when my family circle expanded to include 200 male cretins residing in Avery Dormitory on the campus of UNC. Housing literature described the benefits derived from our shared values, beliefs, and goals. They were, shall we say, elusive.

Civic and social clubs provided a sense of belonging and community during the working years. Now the golden years. Retirement experts warn that social isolation is imminent. To combat this pending doom, I must find new hobbies, join clubs, and get involved.

An epiphany as the dogs and I eased down the road towards the trash dump. One car club has never been spotted racing around N.C. 126 or deftly maneuvering through the five curves along our iconic Tail of the Mule (the one-mile stretch of Sanford Drive between McDonald’s and the post office).

Introducing “Minivans for Dads.” Open to any self-described Dad who has owned or dreamed of owning a minivan.

As envisioned, Minivans for Dads will host the prestigious Burke County Fairgrounds Concours d’Elegance. From far and wide, hundreds of Dads will park their carriages along the Soap Box derby hill.

Vehicles will be meticulously inspected and judged for the coveted Best of Show Award. Celebrity judge for this showcase event is my friend Mark, a veteran minivan customizer who forever changed the visual aesthetics of these ubiquitous vehicles when he attached flames to the sides of his Honda Odyssey.

Judging criteria adopted from Pebble Beach Concours d’Elegance include authenticity, coachwork, mechanical condition, and historical provenance.

Scheduled events for this brotherhood of fatherhood will include a rollicking game of Hide the Diaper in the minivan.

There will be instructional seminars on multiple topics.

Use of shop-vacs to remove cheese puff crumbs. Proper application of Goo Gone to remove gummy bears and sugar babies from carpet. Child safety seat speed buckling. Space saving tricks for stacking beach gear, luggage, and strollers.

How would our community benefit? An economic impact unrivaled by pro wrestling. Nature’s Playground becomes a beacon for minivan dads and their wallets.

Multi-generational friendships forged over shared interests. Retirees derive a sense of purpose and belonging while mentoring newcomers to the club.

The hand of fellowship extended to potential young residents upon whose shoulders our economic survival rests.

“It’s not always enough to go looking for the place we belong. Sometimes we need to make that place.” (Sangu Mandanna, The Very Secret Society of Irregular Witches).